Trying to find an apartment in new york city is like a dating game in which insecure singles pursue unattractive candidates for the chance to be locked into grossly unsatisfying relationships.
First things first, you are stripped of any “rights,” “hobbies,” and “self-esteem” you may have thought you had. Do you like to cook? Take up space? Have friends? Occasionally breathe at a slightly louder volume than average? Naturally, all of these things are unacceptable.
Once you have given over your soul & 6 months of savings to the swollen vortex that is first and last month’s rent AND deposit AND broker’s fee, you are also contractually obligated to nurture & massage your new roommate’s many quirks, feed & love his or her multiple cats, socialize on demand with said roommate/cats, and accommodate all of your new roommate’s unwanted furniture into your sad, squalid quarters with a grateful smile.
For these overwhelming privileges, you get to pay up the ass for a small square coffin with light, airy walls through which you are treated to the musical offerings of roommates/neighbors humping, stomping, and “jamming” with their “band” into the wee hours of a whimsical Tuesday night.
So if you enjoy being robbed of what little self-esteem & money that you have, if you relish emotionally abusive, one-way relationships with an amorphous monster that is your roommate/master/child, then apartment hunting in new york city is probably your best bet.
AWESOME!
